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How to Be Human

by Guy Capecelatro III

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1.
Be Better 04:09
Be Better The ants are in the house again wild how they multiply Sitting out in the back yard I saw a butterfly Everything feels out of focus I’m in slow motion There’s this waning purpose and I’m never open Lately I’ve been feeling useless bleary mangled toothless Watching the news I get so confused wondering what we can do There’s water in the basement the sump pump sounds freaky When I woke up in darkness thought I heard someone speaking I watch through the window streets all deserted They say we’ll survive this you can never be certain Mostly I’ve been feeling listless poisoned cockeyed shiftless Seeing the days flitter away I don’t know what I can say Someone told me to write about hope Hard when you’re barely afloat Feels like the world is choking on shit Let’s all be better after this I hope we can better after this
2.
If You Were Here If you were here you’d drive the car And I’d be sleeping like bear You’d put your hand upon my thigh Somehow I’d know that it was there Where are we going this time of year The snow makes everything disappear I forgot to pack my hiking boots It’s always something you joke And then I push you to the bed You laugh so hard and then you choke Maybe this hotel has a balcony Goddamn I loathe this new reality
3.
Blue Couch 04:17
Blue Couch God damn you were sweet Chasing seagulls on the beach Felt like there wasn’t a thing wrong with me Suddenly things seem so subtle Walking and eating and cuddle Let me stay blissfully stuck here in this bubble You in my new house here on the blue couch Feels like you knocked something loose singing about Spanish boots I feel cracked wide open Somehow I’d give up hoping Seems like there’s so much hovering unspoken Mostly I never speak Thanks for a bit of relief I don’t know how I’ve grown so obsolete You in my new house here on the blue couch Feels like you knocked something loose singing about Spanish boots Yeah I know it’s not real But somehow something’s revealed I know that I need to hide it These things are better unrequited You in my new house here on the blue couch Feels like you knocked something loose singing about Spanish boots
4.
Vulnerable 03:02
Vulnerable I know that I don’t panic enough I’m prone toward hermitting But somehow in this catastrophe I’m worried My friends are all struggling Closing down the businesses Who’s buying up all the guns Are we done How can this love I feel inside Not be reciprocal It’s so embarrassing Being this vulnerable I’m making songs and watching shows Looking out the front window Worried about the things I have And wiping my ass I forget to eat and barely sleep I don’t wear pants or brush my teeth The cats are getting bored with me But we’re lucky How can this love I feel inside Not be reciprocal It’s so embarrassing Being this vulnerable I wrote a story About a lady With a baby Who was crazy I’m getting sad singing the birthday song all the time
5.
How to Lose You I’m trying to find my purpose A little light in the circus Envision a future Without you I know my head and my heart Have drifted apart There’s a widening chasm I’m a has been I used to live underwater Used to have a house on the moon Now I’m the carpeting Laying on the floor in this room I’ve been building this pipe bomb For way too long Will they see me coming if I’m running Trying to conjure a future Ripping out these sutures I need to find some quiet crawl inside it I used to live underwater Used to have a house on the moon Now I’m the wallpaper Stuck to the walls in this room I've been laughing more lately Trying to be less afraid Sitting here quietly And defiantly I've been slowing my thinking As my heart is shrinking Learning to move through How to lose you
6.
Secret Door 03:47
Secret Door I tried to switch The way that I kiss As a tribute a concession to us It felt to wrong Using my tongue On a stranger on just anyone I never believed that I could be saved I remember that time you called me depraved I don’t really touch Nearly enough When I close my eyes it brings things up I’m addicted to this driving over these cliffs I just wish someone would come with I know I cry easy wear my brains on my sleeves I’m trying my best here I change by degrees These feet are so cold underneath the sheets I stare at the ceiling while she sleeps There’s this way I pretend that I’m still human But I don’t know what I’m doing I tried to switch The way that I kiss Every now and then I could use a lift Is there something tacked onto my back Feels like I’m always being attacked I know that it’s true I won’t get over you But maybe there’s some secret door through
7.
Bodies in Proximity A nice monkey a fancy monkey a real monkey’s monkey A nice monkey a fancy monkey a real monkey’s monkey Listening with my eyes closed to what your theory is About those mysterious Bosnian pyramids I swim in the brightening I can get a little dark Sometimes I stall out and need to get a jump start A nice monkey a fancy monkey a real monkey’s monkey You said you liked the way I could make a house I get immobilized by nervousness and doubts I know I think of you in a ways you don’t think of me And maybe it’s like you said bodies in proximity A nice monkey a fancy monkey a real monkey’s monkey It’s such a rough road when you’re the left behind I’ve been trying to finally feel fine It’s been so long since I’ve felt this feeling of falling Why is my body ready to go all in It’s not like I’m looking for some kind of someone Thanks for reminding me how to be a human
8.
A Kiss is a Promise You said my kiss was a promise I’d never keep I watched the snow come down as tea began to steep I saw your face grow dark as the light began to shift I was in between some things hoping for a lift It’s a little startling what passes now as truth I’ve tried to fix myself but it reads more aloof I see the past rise up and rear its ugly head I try to right this ship but always sink instead Walking through the neighborhood trying to decide Curtains are all shut tight and I can’t see inside Birch trees are icing over glistening in the sun I swear I’d swap myself with almost anyone
9.
Arms as Wings You’re still the last one that I kissed and licked The last one that I’ve been with I know you said I seemed so stuck not enough Incapable of some new love Maybe there’s a pattern to this life I’m not right Somehow no one seems my type I’ve got these two hands to hold and there’s snow I could use some loss of control. I’m feeling so irregular tonight Is there some antidote to life I know I described your arms as wings But baby I was only joking I’m sorry I didn’t try harder what a martyr God this life has been a blur I hope you can find warmth in a body truly Sorry that it couldn’t be me Turn me into something someone needs lord please I’m doing my best just to believe Sleep you’re so goddamn illusive what gives Now I’m out walking on the skids I’m feeling so irregular tonight Is there some antidote to life I know I described your arms as wings But baby I was only joking
10.
The Salted Air Stars align then dissipate I’ve been on this path for days Floating listlessly toward a reckoning Everything I can conceive The salted air the broken trees Just a movie that I’ve been projecting Am I breaking through the stratosphere Or am I am I still a prisoner here I can feel my humanness Starting to evaporate and vanish Planets pull and push me through I can’t see what’s really true How to see what lays ahead concealed All the things that we invent Senses are a detriment How to know what’s false or surreal Am I breaking through the stratosphere Or am I am I still a prisoner here I can feel my humanness Starting to evaporate and vanish Maybe it’s a numbers game Maybe I’m a man gone insane I still have all these keys That don’t open anything Coiled like a cobra snake Every single step I take Seems like it could send me free I can’t get my mind to go Feels like seven years ago Mired in this ragged old belief

about

This was written for the April version of the RPM Challenge and recorded live to a cassette tape on the last day of the month. I was listening to, and really enjoying, The Ghost by Songs: Ohia and felt like I was missing the lo-fi warble of so many of my early recordings.

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released April 30, 2020

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Two-Ton Santa Portsmouth, New Hampshire

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